I realize that the thought of dying is something we would all like to avoid. In fact, the subject is usually only brought up when someone actually dies. Even when someone is very sick and clearly dying, we refuse to accept the end. The moment that we all know will happen when your loved one is no longer there with you is one that only those who have witnessed it can understand.
This past week was difficult for my family and friends. My girlfriend's father passed away unexpectedly this past week. While his was the death every person aspires to, the wake of her father's end of life to my friend's family has been devastating. This week also marked the anniversary of my sister's death several years ago. The sorrow and emptiness cannot be explained or described until you experience it for yourself. There is nothing that can be said to alleviate the heart ache. Food, contact, hugs, sympathy and empathy are all that an outsider has to offer. While the gestures are appreciated, it is received in a fog. The grief is so great. The only thing to relieve the ache is to allow yourself to feel the hurt.
Those of us who are trying to assist can only say things like, 'It is good that he passed in his sleep, in his own bed.' or 'She is no longer in pain, she is in a better place.' or 'He struggled so long, he if finally at peace.' These statements, while seem to be helpful, do not do anything but make the receiver nod and agree. What else is there to say? All we can do is be there. We don't need to say anything or do anything. Just allow the one who is grieving to do exactly that, grieve! The process is long and difficult. Acceptance of the loss can come fairly quickly, or it can take years before you stop crying at the silliest, seemingly unrelated, things.
What we must know is that it is ok to grieve. It is ok to feel. It is ok to be pissed off and feel short changed. It is ok to be down and sad. It is ok to be alone and it is ok to be selfish. Do whatever it is YOU need to do to process the pain. Everyone is different. Everyone has a unique method of working through the shock of loss. It is a very personal thing and no one can feel it for you. No other person can tell you what to do or how to do it. The only thing that must happen is that you deal with it and get to acceptance.
I saw an article the other day on 'How to hold back tears' which gave a suggestion of clearing your throat which then makes your tongue move to the roof of your mouth, thus preventing tears. Why would you want to do this? My opinion is that crying to super healthy and needed to process pain, laughter, exasperation, anger or whatever your feeling. How can suppressing this needed function be a good thing? But, again, this is my opinion.
In my own experience I found that laughter is also an excellent way to handle death. As my sister was in her last couple days of life, we gathered around her and told stories of growing up . Stories that had always made us laugh, every time we remembered them. It was the laughter and joy of recounting the wonderful life we shared that made the grief more tolerable.
The point here is that death occurs... all the time. Our response to it is personal. We grieve when we lose our pets, lose our jobs, lose our loved ones. The way we handle loss is ours to feel and no one can tell us how to do it or when to do it. We own the process and the feelings that go along with it. There is no perfect way and no timetable. Just do what YOU need to do.
There are many resources out there for coping with death. I also found a site which is fairly new which provides great information on being prepared for death. I have placed some links below.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm
http://www.medicinenet.com/loss_grief_and_bereavement/article.htm
http://www.oktodie.com/
