Once you figure out where you are comfortable meeting other singles, how do you figure out who you want to talk to? Well, there's two ways of going about this. You can either talk to everyone or if you're a bit shy, you can only talk to those you have an attraction to. What is attraction? Well, I have found that it isn't always a physical thing. You can easily be attracted to a person's personality. You can see someone across the room laughing and smiling and get the general sense that this person would be fun to talk to. Go over, strike up a conversation. You might like them!
The truth is, you can't really start evaluating a person until you talk and observe. That's when the real fun starts. As you begin to watch a person's mannerisms, speech patterns and even the way they hold themselves, your selection checklist starts a review in your head. It can be somewhat subconscious, but you are definitely scrutinizing and judging as you begin to spend time with another potential mate. It's amazing how quickly some of the red flags start waving around after talking to someone for a only a few minutes. Other times, it can take a few weeks or months before the green or yellow flags you initially discovered turn very red.
My friend, Craig, has been single for the last three years. Because of his location, he is continuously scouring the dating sites searching for his next wife. He's 30, handsome, single dad, owns his own home, has a great, steady job and really has no huge issues that I can tell. His method is to try and coax women to his home and see if they will put out. Generally, he succeeds in convincing them to give him what he asks for and when he gets it, he promptly dumps them. To him, it's a huge red flag when a girl gives it up too soon. Rightly so!
In the last three years, Craig has selected a few women who passed the first test. But usually within 1 or 2 months, they have exposed some red flags that keep him from entering into a relationship with them. His red flags range from being too clingy to not wanting to leave California. He has specific criteria and if they can't meet a few of those, then he discards the prospect.
Today, my girlfriend and I were discussing her latest love interest. She'd been dating this guy for the last 3 or 4 weeks and was having a great time. He is a few years younger than her but very interested in her and showing her a great time. When they first met, he shared that he had been diagnosed with a minor ailment. He explained his current situation and she felt that it was a minor thing to deal with. They started spending quite a bit of time together and genuinely enjoyed each other's company. But then, it turns out he has a major mental disorder, refuses to take medication and also has some unresolved legal issues. The first problem was a red flag, but she was willing to overlook it until the other two reared their ugly heads. So that was it, he had exhibited three red flags and he was out.
Both of these examples are of people who are seeking a long term mate. They are looking for someone they can share their lives with. What kind of partner you are seeking is key. Some are only looking for a partner to have fun with for now. I don't mean a one night stand. I mean someone to date, spend time with and enjoy their company for a period of time. In this case, the selection criteria is very different. You may tend to gravitate toward those prospects who are emotionally unavailable in order to avoid the possibility of a long term relationship. My girlfriend Leann is currently dating a man who she enjoys spending time with, but can't imagine being with long term. In fact, recent circumstances resulted in them living together and it just about destroyed their relationship. She is perfectly content with having a boy friend she can hang out with and know that it will never result in a committed long term relationship. While red flags may be waving if she were looking for marriage, she can enjoy this relationship because that is not the ultimate goal. Her checklist doesn't compare to the first two people.
I have been single for quite a while and have a history of choosing men who are unavailable. Being unavailable can be due to many different reasons like being a workaholic, geographically distanced, emotionally damaged or someone who is not quite out of their previous relationship. These would be giant red flags for another woman. I have purposely sought unavailable men because I have not wanted to be in a committed, long term relationship. I began dating a man at the end of last year who was recently separated. He was awesome, but he had his own business and worked 7 days a week. On top of that, there was all kinds of drama with the ex wife and kids that made it clear that he was not even available for a short fun time. While initially his circumstance was acceptable, after a few weeks, the red flags were even popping for me. Despite all his great characteristics, there was no pursuing this.
I have also had the experience of selecting a companion for a short term relationship only to discover that his characteristics were perfect for a long term relationship. The initial goal and its corresponding checklist worked great in the beginning. You don't always know when that unavailable guy will turn into the guy you didn't think existed. Talk about red flags!
The point here is that everyone has a different set of traits they are seeking in a partner. Not everyone wants what you want and the characteristics you find attractive may be revolting to the person next to you. Keep this in mind as you mingle among the singles. Review the checklist in your head until the big red flags pop up, then move on to the next. One word of caution, don't make your checklist so rigid, you never find anyone you're willing to date. It could mean many lonely days and nights. Take the time to determine what you are absolutely unwilling to tolerate. That should be a very short list. When those traits appear in a prospect, flag it. However, it might be something you are willing to tolerate if other traits are exceptional. You are the only one who can determine what you want. You can read books and read magazine articles or attend flirting workshops, but it comes down to figuring out what you want and finding those traits in a partner. Good luck out there!
first!
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