The World didn't end... now what???

I attended this awesome party the other night. Tune in REM's 'It's the end of the World as we Know it' The theme of last night's party was It's the End of the World, Let's drink Wine! David, the host, a very knowledgeable connoisseur of wines, partier, and courageous man who is not afraid of risk, opens his home to many on a regular basis. I had met David's girlfriend for a drink the week before and she had indicated that she is always helping David prepare for his events, so I offered to help. I arrived early to help set things up, but when I arrived there was absolutely nothing to do. So I tried to be as comfortable as possible and await the arrival of the many attendees. But, there was really only one person I was excited to see....

People began to trickle in and I introduced myself to many. I had conversations with people and mingled around the big house for a couple hours. I tried to play it cool and pretend I didn't notice when he arrived, but in all honesty, I knew he was there before I actually saw him. I could feel it. I tried to stop myself from making a beeline to Jay, but the truth is, it was only a few minutes before I found a reason to refill my glass. We casually said hello to each other, a quick hug and he was off to make his rounds. I pretended to have somewhere to be and someone to talk to. David happens to be his best friend so this is Jay's element. He is very comfortable in this place, in this house, with these people while I am the outsider, new in town, new to the group. David's girlfriend had arrived and she and I began laughing together while enjoying wine, but I was tracking Jay.

Eventually, he found me talking with another man on the couch and seemed nervous and unsure when he approached. I invited him over to sit with us and introduced him to the guy I was speaking with. He launched into the activities of his day and we began to catch up. I had just told the married man sitting with me on the couch that I was single and wasn't dating anyone. I said this, because I don't know if me and Jay ARE dating? Jay and I chatted with the man on the couch for a while longer. As Jay got comfortable next to me, our legs touched, sending a charge through me that made me want to absolutely attack! But, alas, we are at a party with many of his people around and I have no idea how to behave. Jay is crazy busy! His life is full of chaos and work and family. He is conscientious about me and makes time to talk to me and call me. But we've only seen each other a couple times in the past two months and given his current situation, I honestly have no idea what our status is. Friends? Dating? No clue! So, I don't know how to be in public with him. I feel close to him and comfortable in his company but also unsure of how to interact with him. Eventually, we all moved from the couch to get food or wine and the awkwardness of mingling in a house full of strangers began again.

As we are interacting with others, we see each other for a few moments here and there. Time passes. I am constantly attempting to speak with others, find common ground with the attendees and try to belong. Fast forward: The music has gotten louder and there are many people on the dance floor. I see Jay on the dance floor, obviously having a fantastic time and making me want him even more. I begin dancing, trying to fit in, trying to feel unalone, doing my best to be casual, fun and inclusive of the others around me. But, I can't keep my eyes off him. I can't see anyone but him. I am watching him laugh and dance and joke and he is beautiful. He is obviously having a good time and I am happy to see this since I know his life has been a struggle lately. He is smiling and relaxed and being himself. I want to be relaxed and laughing with him. I am infatuated. A state of mind that is unfamiliar to me. I catch myself gazing upon him with that 'look'. OMG! The look? Really? It has been years since I felt that warm tingle. ACK! I can't let anyone see this! I can't even admit to myself that it has happened! As I realize this, I am suddenly very uncomfortable, very awkward and very insecure. I've gotta get outta here! So, I gather my things, grabbed the dish I had brought to share and I said goodbye to David, David's girlfriend and called across the dance floor to Jay, Goodbye Jay! He immediately came off the floor to give me a hug, asked if I was good and I said I was. I did not want him to see me vulnerable and foolish. I left! I fled as quickly as I could because I couldn't stand to feel this terrible insecurity for one more second.

I don't know what he thought of my early departure. Maybe he didn't think anything of it. I don't know what comes next. I feel confused, ridiculous and so very young and immature. I also feel anticipation, excitement and joy! Life is short and having this range of emotions makes me remember that this is what it's all about. This is why we are here. To interact. To feel. To BE! So I'm going to embrace my awkward, confusing, ridiculous excitement, put a smile on my face and be grateful for having the opportunity to feel.