Well, I had a completely different topic to discuss, but decided I would share my week with you instead.
I have been seeing someone for the last few months. Because he lives several states away, we have only been able to see each other once a month. Between visits we have talked and emailed, texted, instant messaged, etc several times per day. The problem is that the friendship started out as very casual and neither of us expected anything serious to come out of it.
However, as life sometimes goes, as information flows and the onion begins to peel back, original intentions change... morph into something else. It turns out this guy is very cool. He actually
LIKES intelligent women and enjoys stimulating conversation. I have looked forward to our conversations, the intellectual challenges and the sexual inuendos. Unfortunately, the casualness of the friendship became more than casual rather too quickly. I began to like him more than I ever intended.
So, we spent some time together recently and during our short visit it became clear that he is still recovering from the loss of a true love who was an incredible woman. He shared that she was very successful, belonged to a sailing club, contributed regularly to her ivy league school and several local museums. While this man does not have the financial ability to run in these circles, he clearly enjoyed the people and ambiance of her social network.
While I believe that I am somewhat successful, I could not compete in that network, nor would I aspire to. I listened to his stories, supported him as a friend and let him know that time will make his hurt go away. I felt fine in this role as friend until he told me that he is no different than the wealthy older man who marries a young girl for her looks. He was proud of his woman's success and what she had accomplished and could see himself seeking that kind of woman again.
Now, remember, he and I started this thing with the intention of no strings attached, just friends and have fun.
But, I just couldn't let this pass by. First, I like him, more than I should. Second, he knows that I am not of this caliber and admits that he wishes to have that again. My response? I cannot continue to see him. Why would I allow myself to get further attached? I am pretty good at keeping my feelings out of casual friendships, but this man is rare in that he appreciates a strong, independent, intelligent woman. I have not met another like him, yet.
I am no longer feeling ok as the filler/friend. I feel like he's slumming with me until he finds what he desires. YUCK! I don't want to be the healer and hope to have something more when it is already clear that he would never stay with someone like me. Not that I was seeking a long term relationship, the knowledge that I am unworthy in his eyes completely derailed the casual friendship. Is it possible to squelch the feelings of inadequacy and continue the friendship? I cannot do it.
Since our primary communication is via email, I basically told him how I felt and that I could no longer see him sexually, but would like to remain friends, which is what we intended to do in the first place. I have received no response. All texts, instant messaging, etc has stopped. I already miss it. I miss the conversation and I will miss his presence in my life.
That sucks.
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