It is a long entry, but I hope you all get something out of it. Please comment your opinion or situation. We are all in this together and the more information we have to figure this stuff out, the better! Read on....
Here's my put: Life is short. Too short! When we are in our 20's we all made decisions based upon our current experience and situation. Many of us got married, had children, raised the children, purchased homes, cars, life insurance, securities and built a life and home for our families. We immersed ourselves in that life. Taking the kids to soccer, band practice, baseball, choir. We put our relationships on hold to do what was expected of us. Work, take care of children and provide to the best of our ability. Many of us are now faced with an empty home and a partner that we hardly know. And sometimes, we don't want to know any more.
We've become complacent, bored, uninterested. We are susceptible to any kind of attention. So, whensomeone comes along and starts paying attention to us, we welcome the attention. They make us feel good about ourselves. He or she makes us feel appreciated, sexy, desired. We haven't felt that in years in our marriage. How could we? We were too busy raising kids and running around after work, on the weekends, making sure they had a great childhood! So we LOVE this attention. We crave it! We so want to be desired and appreciated. We look at our partner of several years and don't feel that spark. We don't feel those butterflies in the stomach any more. All we know is things are cold and flat and boring and this other person is making us feel excited, young, free!
So what do we do? Well we have a couple of choices:
1. Stay in our marriage
2. Cheat: Have that fling!
3. Go: Throw in the towel.
OPTION 2: Let's take the 2nd option first. I know that seems a strange place to start, but isn't it really what we are thinking? We don't care about the consequences because the possibility of having that fling makes us giddy! We can't think of anything else. We so want to have excitement and newness that we start planning and scheming, trying to figure out how we can make this work. Some of us go through with it. We make the arrangements to be with that person. It is absolutely AWESOME! For some of us, the act of being with someone new quenches our need. We can go back to our lives and relive the excitement in our minds. We stop all contact with that person and continue as before, knowing that there is a way to fulfill the need. But, is it enough? Will we need to do it again? We can easily get into a pattern of regularly cheating on our partners. We can rationalize it by convincing ourselves that the affair doesn't mean anything. My love truly belongs to my partner. Have we thought about the consequences and devasation that could occur if the fling is discovered? What will it do to your partner? Your life? Your kids? I think the 'fling' or 'one night stand' affair can be worked through. While it would take an extraordinary amount of effort to recover from, I believe it can be worked through. This could easily be a topic for another entry.
There is another kind of affair that I believe is probably almost impossible to recover from. It is when the fling becomes a relationship. The encounter leads to another encounter and then regular contact. A friendship develops, a dependence, intimacy.... an an emotionally charged love affair. This person is now part of our lives. We look forward to talking with them every day. We can't wait to see them the next time we can get away. This kind of affair is almost a replacement to our spouse. We have transferred our affections from our partner to this new person.
In both instances, we've betrayed our partner. The person we have lived with for x number of years who has been by our side through thick and thin. Unfortunately, for many of us, by the time we get to the point that we go through with an affair, our 'give a shit' for the other person has dwindled to almost nothing. It is sad to say and admit. Even in the case of a fling, we have clearly put the feelings of our partner very low on the priority list. In our need to satisfy our ego, thirst, butterflies or whatever you want to call it, we have become uncaring, thoughtless idiots. My two cents? We should be willing to end the relationship long before we get to the point where we want to cheat. It is clear the relationship is already over.
OPTION 3: Go, get out of the marriage. Throw in the towel. Let's examine this. We look at the partnership and we can see no sparks, no interest. We've lived with this person for years and know everything about them. There are many annoying quirks they have. Why have we stayed so long? Because we love them. We love them like we have loved no other. We are comfortable and secure. It is all familiar. We begin to compare the familiarity with the excitement of the affair. If we allow ourselves to be lured by that excitement, we have failed to see the great relationship in front of us. I must take a moment to explain my point of view here.
An aside: I was married 16 years, and my children were 11 and 14 when I left my marriage. I have been single 6 years and have discovered that there are few people we connect with. I have not had a long term committed relationship since the divorce and it appears there will not be one for quite some time.
Back to the marriage discussion. The marriage has brought us wonderful memories, beautiful children and for some of us, we've amassed a good nest egg. I want you to ask yourself this question.
Would I rather be alone for the rest of my life, than be in this marriage another day?
You need to stop and think about this. Alone! Alone! Alone! This means having no one to talk to about your day. Going to sleep in a big bed every night and still sleeping on your side with the cat on the other. You cook for yourself, do your own home repairs, do all the shopping, pay all the bills, mow the lawn. You are alone to complete your daily activities and when you are hurting, you cry yourself to sleep. No one is holding you or caring for your. There isn't another person who accepts all of the things about your and still loves you. Some will have friends and family to support you, but I can tell you from experience, it isn't the same as having someone by your side.
Marriage is work. It is continually changing and growing. It must be fed, loved, cared for, just like a child. We are human beings and we will always be tempted and lured to explore the unfamiliar. It is human nature. Sometimes the work of the marriage is extreme and consumes all of our energy. We must ask ourselves. Am I willing to pour all of my energy into something that will never make me happy again? Leaving a long term relationship is emotionally difficult and we won't even discuss the legalities and financial aspects. The partnership has been our daily lives for so long, we can't even imagine another life. We owe it to ourselves to sit down and do exactly that. Imagine your life without your spouse and understand the consequences before you make this life changing decision.
In my case, leaving my marriage was the absolute right thing to do. Despite the loneliness, I do not regret the decision, ever! I am happy, carefree, busy and have plenty of family, friends and lovers to support my needs. I was unhappy to the core. I dreaded going home. I dreaded sleeping in the same bed with my partner. So, YES, I chose to be alone than continue to be unhappy. As I said before, LIFE IS TOO SHORT!
OPTION 1: Now let's discuss staying in the marriage. I left this for last, because the other two options needed to be discussed first. Yesterday, I was talking to my good friend Brad and he, too, has been married a very long time. In fact, he is expecting his first grandchild. He has been carrying on a flirtation with a woman who is his age for the last 5 years or so. They see each other at work, they flirt, they make eyes at each other and are basically behaving like school aged kids, not ever truly making a move, but it is clear they are in to each other. He says to me, I really like her, but I don't know what to do. So we discussed what he would do if he had the opportunity to be with her. When we started talking about actually making plans to meet with her after work and the possibility of touching and kissing her, his eyes got wide and it was clear he hadn't really thought of the logistics of having an affair. The bottom line was he loved the attention. His ego was being stroked every time she talked with him and let him know she was attracted to him. He hasn't had the spark in his marriage for a very long time and the thought of having those butterflies again was very attractive. But the question I asked him was: Then What? How will you feel afterwards. What will you do with her? Never see her again? See her again? Continue an affair? Leave your wife? What will you do when you get your fix and have that excitement?
We talked for a good hour about these feelings and the possibilities. He realized he had absolutely NO idea what he would do or what he was willing to do. In the end it was clear he was not willing to give up his life as he knows it. He did not want to disrupt his family. So, now what? He is clearly missing something in his marriage. He is not happy, but not unhappy enough to leave. My suggestion: Then work on the marriage! MAKE it what you want it to be. Talk to your wife about getting to know each other again. Work on your friendship. She is probably feeling the relationship is flat and boring too! It takes two people to make a partnership work, and the best you can do is both get on the same page and make the rest of your lives happy and fulfilling. It is not okay to settle and accept an unhappy place. Take action and make it what you want it to be. Make the choice to fix what's broken.
There are many groups and programs that focus on reviving marriage. I do not have the experience of any of these groups and therefore, cannot endorse them, but here are few for your persual.
MARRIAGE BOOTCAMP: http://www.marriagebootcamp.com/?gclid=CPby6Oqp4rECFYhgTAodJmcANA
MARRIAGE ENCOUNTER: http://www.wwme.org/
MARRIAGE QUEST: http://www.marriagequest.org/index.php
I hope you made it through this long entry and it made you think. Your comments and thoughts are requested. Share your experience. We would love to hear from you!
Marriage is work. It is continually changing and growing. It must be fed, loved, cared for, just like a child. We are human beings and we will always be tempted and lured to explore the unfamiliar. It is human nature. Sometimes the work of the marriage is extreme and consumes all of our energy. We must ask ourselves. Am I willing to pour all of my energy into something that will never make me happy again? Leaving a long term relationship is emotionally difficult and we won't even discuss the legalities and financial aspects. The partnership has been our daily lives for so long, we can't even imagine another life. We owe it to ourselves to sit down and do exactly that. Imagine your life without your spouse and understand the consequences before you make this life changing decision.
In my case, leaving my marriage was the absolute right thing to do. Despite the loneliness, I do not regret the decision, ever! I am happy, carefree, busy and have plenty of family, friends and lovers to support my needs. I was unhappy to the core. I dreaded going home. I dreaded sleeping in the same bed with my partner. So, YES, I chose to be alone than continue to be unhappy. As I said before, LIFE IS TOO SHORT!
OPTION 1: Now let's discuss staying in the marriage. I left this for last, because the other two options needed to be discussed first. Yesterday, I was talking to my good friend Brad and he, too, has been married a very long time. In fact, he is expecting his first grandchild. He has been carrying on a flirtation with a woman who is his age for the last 5 years or so. They see each other at work, they flirt, they make eyes at each other and are basically behaving like school aged kids, not ever truly making a move, but it is clear they are in to each other. He says to me, I really like her, but I don't know what to do. So we discussed what he would do if he had the opportunity to be with her. When we started talking about actually making plans to meet with her after work and the possibility of touching and kissing her, his eyes got wide and it was clear he hadn't really thought of the logistics of having an affair. The bottom line was he loved the attention. His ego was being stroked every time she talked with him and let him know she was attracted to him. He hasn't had the spark in his marriage for a very long time and the thought of having those butterflies again was very attractive. But the question I asked him was: Then What? How will you feel afterwards. What will you do with her? Never see her again? See her again? Continue an affair? Leave your wife? What will you do when you get your fix and have that excitement?
We talked for a good hour about these feelings and the possibilities. He realized he had absolutely NO idea what he would do or what he was willing to do. In the end it was clear he was not willing to give up his life as he knows it. He did not want to disrupt his family. So, now what? He is clearly missing something in his marriage. He is not happy, but not unhappy enough to leave. My suggestion: Then work on the marriage! MAKE it what you want it to be. Talk to your wife about getting to know each other again. Work on your friendship. She is probably feeling the relationship is flat and boring too! It takes two people to make a partnership work, and the best you can do is both get on the same page and make the rest of your lives happy and fulfilling. It is not okay to settle and accept an unhappy place. Take action and make it what you want it to be. Make the choice to fix what's broken.
There are many groups and programs that focus on reviving marriage. I do not have the experience of any of these groups and therefore, cannot endorse them, but here are few for your persual.
MARRIAGE BOOTCAMP: http://www.marriagebootcamp.com/?gclid=CPby6Oqp4rECFYhgTAodJmcANA
MARRIAGE ENCOUNTER: http://www.wwme.org/
MARRIAGE QUEST: http://www.marriagequest.org/index.php
I hope you made it through this long entry and it made you think. Your comments and thoughts are requested. Share your experience. We would love to hear from you!
Great stuff! Wish many of us could have had this information when we were younger. Might have prevented a lot of regretted mistakes.
ReplyDeleteNice Patti! When I divorced my first husband I looked at the guys I found attractive during the marriage, and there was no way I wanted to hook up with them when I was single. It was just about the attention.
ReplyDeleteThank you ladies for reading and commenting. I really appreciate it. More to come!
ReplyDeleteVery thought-provoking! I enjoyed reading through the three options!
ReplyDeleteAlthough my marriage ended before the spark was gone, I had already decided that I would need
to end a current relationship before embarking on a new one, just for my own peace of mind.
I am the sort that needs to have a clear conscience in order to embrace life fully!